rats and mashed potatoes

"one electron monster (reform_decay) wrote,

so, damien jurado is coming here. i don't know how i feel about some of his new stuff, but Waters Ave S was the album i listened to every morning on the hour long bus ride to anchorage and i fell inlove with all of the words. 97 it came out i think. in 97 i was in a jewish summer camp in new york. that was one of the worst summers of my life..rats and mashed potatoes and i feel comfortable leaving it at that.

im practicing dispersing my thoughts. this is the only way i remember anything"
-august 30th 2007

this past summer was horrible. fall didn't exist this go 'round and this winter is as hot as hell. i'm still happy for the most part. i know that i keep searching for what's missing. there's a figurative plug, or port, or vein of some sort that i must find in order to produce and be productive. this endless searching doesn't make me restless. i'm settled over the matter now: i can go on vacation now without exhausting my eyes, i can spend the weekend in a hot air balloon in the valley alone. i can hike with my family up to the top of the mountain. nothing can stop me now, not even pink eye! i don't want to fill myself up with something or someone. i like to exist on my own, i get a chuckle out of most things. lately at night i rush back to my little house so fast that i forget my wallet at work half the time. i guess the past few weeks all i've bought is gas and cigarettes anyhow. besides the kind of food you can get at gas stations on interstate exits, i've mostly lived off German holiday cookies with round unleven pieces of oblaten on the bottoms and spritz...they are iced with sprinkles &made with a cookie press that reminds me of the forties. eating these cookies for the first time in three years..the first time since my grandma died, i tasted that memory, pushed it around with my tongue for a bit, i tasted the jello and fruit mold and the german dresden christmas pig. i guess because it was a tradition for my grandma to make these cookies, they were something that could be expected, a safe &a sure thing. since i was born in 1987 i couldn't possibly have actual memories from the 1940's, but somehow through reincarnation-induced nostalgia i've come pretty close. those cookies couldn't taste more identical to the ones my grandma made every year. i never realized how much work they take, but they are worth it for the fake memories alone.

2:43 & my neighbor just got home with her cheesy British boyfriend. they both hugged me in our backyard the other day and it was so strange because lately she has become lifeless and i am convinced that he is a thief of some sort. i can't look him in the eyes. i've been locking my car and house a lot more lately. if it weren't for my dogs i'd be the easiest person to rip off. i really don't mind if people want what i have. nothing i own will make everything perfect.